The (un)bearable lightness of authenticity.
Updated: Oct 11
When I awake to truthfulness and authenticity, it becomes impossible to lie. Literally. I can’t. I don’t want to. It starts with small things and in safe spaces. But then it grows on me. It becomes a heavy burden not to speak the truth because I know the toll it has on me to hide what I really think and feel. To hell with all the masks.
And no that doesn’t mean I am right about what I feel and think. It just means I now tell you. And that is uncomfortable. For you. And for me. It just means, suddenly all that stuck-up shit and judgment I have been carrying around for decades, now shows. And now you know. And now I know you know.
And that makes space, and that judgment suddenly disappears. I stand for who I am. I do so in kindness and love. I intend to. Please forgive me if I do not.
What a blessing for me to experience what it is to bring what I hide into contact with you and to experience the real reaction and not the movie that is in my head. And to feel life. To feel you. To feel me.
To experience that sometimes magic happens when I speak my truth, and suddenly my idea of the world turns upside down.
And sometimes it’s heavy and difficult and complicated. And that’s when I learn, that’s when I have no idea what to do and I realize, I am just a child, a child awakening. A child learning to bear with conflict. A child learning to resolve conflict. A child learning to accept that I will not be liked by everyone if I speak about what is. A child daring to disturb fake harmony. Finally a child healing. Finally me healing.
Bear with me. This post is long. And maybe it is worth it.
Healing is not love and light. At least not for me. At least not all the time. There is no escape from who I really am to shop up whole anymore. And that is fucking scary. Because deep down I really don’t know if who I am is a good person. That’s the whole reason I have been hiding it from you in the first place.
Truth is, I lie. A lot. I exaggerate. I omit. I say I am good when I am not. I blow myself up. I make myself little. I know exactly what it is you want to hear, I know what it is you can bear. I know what it is you will feel before you feel it. I lie consciously and unconsciously. Or at least I used to do so. I only lie unconsciously now. Old patterns I haven’t resolved yet. Old fears.
In a perfect world, I would awake to authenticity, and speaking the truth would be love and light. And that beautiful light that I know deep down I am would pour out into the world. But the truth is, the transition is ugly and scary. Because I am not only light. I am darkness too. Repressed desires. Judgments. Jealousy.
So when I tell the truth, I hope for light and I make the deep wish to not hurt you. I bathe my worlds in love and light and I speak them. And then I face you with all that I am. The mighty and powerful. The old witch. The scared little girl, that whispers please don’t judge me. And I try to remove all those masks too. And I keep looking you in the eye, although what I also want to do is hide.
Because I know it is ok, it is ok you are hurt and angry and overwhelmed. It is ok I am scared. I do not disconnect. I keep in contact. I can be with you. And with me. And love you and love me. Even more so.
And I can BEAR it. With all the light that stands behind me. I can BEAR it for me to be me and for you to be you.
Mura Ante Tegedura.
May all masks fall and the doors open.
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