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  • Writer's pictureAlexandra

Setting boundaries and dealing with their consequences

I am dealing today with the topic of setting boundaries and being able to hold myself in the boundaries I set: to hold myself secure enough in myself so that I can deal with the reaction of the "world" and all persons involved, which arises through my newly communicated boundary. I watch as I still unconsciously fall into old patterns and try to compensate for guilt and shame that comes from my boundary setting. I set my boundary, yet somehow still do more in other aspects in an attempt to balance for me saying "No".

I have made the experience that I can hold myself in more and more difficult situations of setting my boundaries and deal with the feeling of being rejected or judged. I admire how much pain I can hold , how little this pain actually really is compared to the fear of it and how much freedom arises within me.

Our personal freedom and our setting of personal boundaries are always in conflict with the expectations of other people and society and are a potential for conflictive situations. Can we live in this personal freedom, setting and communicating our boundaries and in the conflicts that arise, remain without reaction or judgement towards the other person for his reactions to our boundaries setting? Can we stay in a loving and understanding state for ourselves and for the difficult process of the other without giving in, compensating or doing something that brings us out of our center?

I feel my mother's wound of "not giving enough to my children" pulsating strongly again, also my mother's wound of not having given enough and my inner child's wound of not being enough and not being allowed to say "No" because otherwise I could no longer be loved.

I feel the need to simply accept guilt, shame and anger and to bear them within myself, maybe even to let them blossom. To let the feelings dance in me with their force and power without bringing the stories, the words or the old patterns back to life, without going into a balance through compensation.

The concept of balance resonates within me over and over again. Often we try to create balance on the outside by looking that the give and take is in "balance", but real balance can only be found within oneself and can only happen internally, but can and will then of course have an effect on the outside world. I give to give and expect nothing in return than what I clearly communicate to the outside. For example: I share myself with the outside world and expect an answer or a mutual sharing. What happens if nothing comes back? Can I hold myself in this empty space? What does it trigger in me? What needs do I have that are not being met right now? How can I fill these needs myself? What (unconscious) expectations did I have of my counterpart? Where do these expectations come from? Did I get used to these "patterns" (mutual expectations) in human relationships from childhood or society?

Through the person in front of us we get to know ourselves and every time we don't get what we want and it triggers a reaction in us, we can bring our (unconscious) expectations and needs back to the light of our thoughts and either fulfill them ourselves or clear them up.

I want to accept myself for who I am, in every moment of my being and every momentary truth. I am not small or insignificant. I don't want to question myself anymore. Just be. To be able to hold myself safely in every situation, so that I can live my true being and unfold it to the outside world and thereby get to know it myself.

Guilt. Shame. Anger. Be welcome in your purest power. Let me learn how to hold you, use you and transform you.

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